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I loved you. I really did. But you did not love me for who I was. You tried to make me something I am not and I loved you so I let it happen. I realized too late that I don’t want to be this person. This perfect person that you wanted me to be. I tried to change and be in charge of who I was becoming and you kept telling me how much I was changing and that you did not like who I was becoming. But I did. I learned that I could love myself as well. That I did not need you to love me. Because I realize now that you did not love ME. You loved the perfect person that you crafted out of the bits and pieces that I was when you met me.
My boyfriend and my best friend fell in love with each other. Do you know how hard that is?? Like there I was just sitting there enjoying their company and I had a feeling something like that would happen but I ignored it. It’s something you never think would happen because you could trust them. Well it happened and they didn’t even try to stop it. I still love them both very much but I just think every time I see them together, was I not good enough for you to only love me? Was I just there for fun? Was our relationship true? I forgave them and all but it still breaks my heart when I see them together. I hang out with them and I laugh with them but most of my smiles and laughs are fake. But fake it til you make it right? I just can’t wait till I find that person for me who won’t do this. I hear them all the time saying I love you or I’m in love with her/him and I’m just here like “were you in love with me?” I was in love with you. I guess what hurts most is that it was my boyfriend I had at that time. If it was an ex it wouldn’t have hurt but he was mine. Now he is hers and she is his. Where am I in the situation? Am I just the loner friend who brought you both together? I’m over here questioning everything about myself and there they are as happy as can be. I’m not even sure if there is someone out there for me. I just want everything to go back before they fell in love. I was happier and my smile was more genuine. But I can’t and I won’t be selfish like that to tell them. I will let them be in love, while I hang around in the background. They know who they are but hopefully they will never see my true feelings in this.
I think of you every time I listen to a love song. I think about how silly I am to be still thinking about you a year later. I think of how you treat me like a stranger now. I question how people move on in life.Why is it so difficult for me? You’ve moved on long ago but the memories still haunt me. I want to forget you in my head but my heart won’t let me. I question why you didn’t hold onto me when I left you. I wonder if it’s because I was never that important to you. Maybe you didn’t understand me enough… That’s what I’ve been telling myself or maybe I’m just stupid…
I can’t get you out of my head. Its been months and all I do is think of you. I won’t admit it because I push you to the back of my mind. But you’re still there. And as much as I try to push you away, you creep back into my thoughts. I tell myself I don’t want you anymore…especially because you are with her now and I am with him…but I am just lying to myself. I love this new guy I really do…but my dreams tell a different story. I wake up sometimes days in a row sad because I know that I had another dream about you when I know I shouldn’t have. I thought I was over you because I was so angry at you for breaking my heart. And I used that anger to push you away. But now I know its only because I love you so much and that is the only way I can make myself believe I don’t want you anymore. I want these dreams to stop because even in them you are not mine. Even in my dreams I know I can’t have you and I have to move on…I think that’s what hurts the most. That i can’t even go back to what we had in my dreams. It’s over and i have to really move on… I just want these dreams to stop. Make them stop.
Sometimes you meet someone and even though you
never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favourite colour.
andsomedayshewillbeloved